Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
love makes seman taste better
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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