Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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