omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
