I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
