I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
love makes seman taste better
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Randomize
