i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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