I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
