Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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