I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
