The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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