Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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