I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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