shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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