Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
im about as happy as oj after his trial
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
