Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
