Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
