Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I am available for nakedness
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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