a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
People with herpes should wear stickers.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
