After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
