people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
