Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
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