Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
