Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
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