Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
