just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
no you cant smoke seaweed
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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