she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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