Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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