Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
