wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
