mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
