We won't sleep together?
Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
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