I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
