Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
