i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
