i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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