I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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