Cold hands, warm shart.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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