I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
