you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Can you bring me the toilet please
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize