ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I FOUND THE LEGS
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
