my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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