His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
