just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
