either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
They took my balls.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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