There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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