I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
