There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
