My sheets look like a crime scene.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Randomize
