Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize