I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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