In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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