I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
