so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
