so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
