Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
