Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
