I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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