Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
