You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
