I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
