I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
