So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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